My Secret Ting

Whelp. I did a thing.

Under the guidance of my therapist, I got a letter from a psychologist declaring that I need an ESA (emotional support animal) and then I went and rescued sweet Guerdy from CACC (Chicago Animal Care and Control).

Since Trin left, I have been spiraling. I have been clinging to my sanity for the sake of the rest of my children by the thinnest thread and it has been fray-YING. I’ve gained 30lbs in the last 60 days. I’ve been sleeping an average of 5 hours a night. I have been wracked with guilt and grief and stressed with worry. I have literally spent the last 18 years doing any and everything I could to make sure my daughter had a better life in every way possible and it fucked my world up to have my relationship with her turn out like this. I am a firm believer in “if we keep doing what we’re doing we’re going to keep getting what we’re getting” so I knew I had to find a different way to get through this.

I’ve lived in HUD-sponsored affordable housing for my entire adult life. My lease firmly states that there are no dogs allowed and because I know I could never afford a 4-br place at market rates in the city, I have done my best to avoid any kind of conflict with my property management company because I need this home. I am very fortunate to have it. I have a townhome with a parking space and a yard and in-unit laundry in not the best neighborhood, but in a great location in the city. I am close to everywhere I need to be close to. I value my home more than any of my possessions. Things being what they are, I’ve never had a dog in my entire adult life.

I grew up with dogs. My first sister was Pumpkin, a yellow lab my mother had had since childhood. My grandfather kept Dalmations his entire life because his father, my great-grandfather, was a Chicago firefighter and my grandfather grew up around those firehouse dogs. His favorite was Robin and she was fiercely protective of him and never left his side until the day she died. After Pumpkin died, my parents had Molly, an undocked doberman, and Rocky, a St. Bernard/Rottie mix (yeah, he was HUGE). Until I left my parent’s house, I was always around dogs, and now for the past 20 years, I have not been because I refused to put my housing in jeopardy.

Fortunately, the ADA and the Fair-Housing Act means if I require an emotional support animal - my housing provider must provide reasonable accommodation. I still anticipate a fight. I’m still afraid that this may put my home in jeopardy, but I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t feel like I had to. I DO need this dog. Since she came home last week, I have gotten more and better sleep, starting the very first night. My heart rate is down. My breath rate is down. My HRV (heart rate variability) is way way up. I’ve lost seven pounds. These aren’t just feelings, I have numbers, I have data, I have proof.

The moment I saw her on the website, I just knew it was her. I felt an instant connection. I felt like she needed me just as much as I needed her. They have like 10 pages of dogs waiting for adoption and I just knew she was the one off sight. CACC is NOT a no-kill shelter by any means. They do their best to find places for the animals, but every year thousands of animals are euthanized there. Guerdy had been there since November 2022. I don’t know how long she had left, but I know there were pages and pages of dogs that had come in since that date.

When you go to the shelter, they allow you to select three dogs to meet. I picked two others that had been there as long, if not longer than, my Guerdy (or “Gertrude” as they had named her) I knew if I was going to get a dog to save my life, I wanted to do the same for them. The other two I chose were “Merman” and “Epiphany” and I never even got to meet them. There were notes in their files that said they wouldn’t do well with children and when they asked me if I wanted to pick different ones I said no. I just knew it was Guerdy. It was always Guerdy.

She is so sweet. She’s good with the kids. She’s not well-trained, but she doesn’t potty in the house and that’s all I care about, teaching her everything else is not a problem. She does amazing in the car so whenever we go somewhere, she comes with. She drops off the kids in the mornings with me and then we go for a walk in the park and then she comes with me to pick them up and we go for a walk in the park. She hangs out with me in the car while the kids go to volleyball or wrestling, we just sit there and chill in the parking lot for an hour. No problems. I’m still letting her adjust to having a home after 3 months in the shelter so I’m not really putting in very much effort to get her trained. They had to spay her and she’s still recovering from surgery so she hasn’t even had a bath yet.

She’s estimated to be four years old and she’s a mommy, you can tell she had puppies before because she has saggy tiddies (RELATABLE), and the shelter didn’t know what happened to them because she was picked up as a stray. I told her my puppies are her puppies now, we’ll take care of them together. I can tell she’s still looking for whoever she lived with before to come back for her and it breaks my heart but I’m committed - I will NEVER do that to her. I will not leave her and I will fight for her. We’re in this together and it feels good to finally pour all the love I have into someone that I KNOW won’t use it to manipulate, coerce, or control me. She’ll never hurt me. I know that and it is so comforting.

The only problem is that she is definitely a ratter. Any small animal remotely resembling a rodent-she wants to destroy with all her heart-INCLUDING my (formerly Trin’s) guinea pigs. Those are my boys, my smol sons, and I cannot let anything happen to them. I am as protective of them as I am of her and she wants to snatch them up and shake the life out of them and rip off their limbs so we definitely have some conflict there. The first chance she got, she launched herself into their cage, breaking the walls down to try to get to them. Luckily, she only managed to grab some of Cocoa’s long hair and rip that out without causing any real injury. I cannot let her hurt them. That means I can’t let her roam the house freely and she cries because she wants to get at them so bad. I feel badly for all of them. I have watched her destroy multiple squeaky plushes with such relish…and I know my poor baby boys would make the same squeaky sounds with their last breaths if she ever got her jaws on them. She just wants to honor her instincts and I just want my boys to live in peace and not fear. I am making every effort to rehome them in the interest of saving their lives and allowing Guerdy to have access to more of the house, but I’m unwilling to just give them up to the first outstretched hand. I want them to be with someone that will give them the care they deserve. In the meantime, I am stressed and fearful for them and her. I just want all of us to be okay. All of us, Guerdy, Cocoa, Tinkerton, and myself-we all deserve to have good lives free from constant stress and fear. We all deserve to live. Truly live and enjoy our short time here. I wish she was nurturing and accepting of them but she’s not and I won’t feel right until they are safe from her. I am determined to figure it out.

I am happy she’s here. I have no regrets and I hope I never have to have any. I love my Guerdy and I’m grateful for all the ways she has improved my life thus far.