All Day Long

Depression has me. I mean it HAS me. I have let this bitch get it’s clutches all the way around me. It has the upper hand. Working out would probably help. Too depressed to do that. Creating would probably help. Too depressed to do that. Hanging out with people that care would probably help but if I do that I’m not just going to let my depression hang out all over the place, I’m going to cover it up and fake it all and at the end of it feel worse than I did to begin with. I avoid my kids because I don’t want to infect them with my saddness.

“I’m scared” “I’m sad” “I want to die” I think each of those things about a thousand times a day. * washing dishes * “I’m scared. * sitting on the couch* “I’m sad” * walking upstairs* “I want to die” . I think these things ALL DAY LONG. Ceaselessly. No matter what I’m doing or where I am, those thoughts are always there. I know better than to argue with them or engage with them in any way, that just gives them more power, I breathe and let them come and let them go but I can’t make them stop. The first thing I think when I open my eyes after my sedated sleep is “I’m scared” and usually the last thing I think before I fall asleep is “I want to die (but sleep will do)”

I’m trying to hang on but it’s getting worse, I know depression is a liar but the things it says are starting to make more and more sense to me. It tells me that the rest of my children are just going to use me up and leave me. It tells me I will never be good enough to create anything of value. It tells me I am unremarkable and easily replaced. It tells me I am too weird and broken to ever be good enough for anyone to want to be with and that I will be alone forever. It tells me that this is all a waste, all this suffering isn’t ever going to stop and it’s all just pain for the sake of pain. Why stay? Everything is terrible and nothing is ever going to get better, just go. Just let the hurting stop, and be free. If I stay, there will be no wins, only losses. I’ll just have to lose people, over and over and over and over. There’s nothing to look forward to.

Everything feels overwhelming. I am crushed by the weight of expectations and responsibilities. I am so tired. So done. I’ve given everything and there’s nothing left.

and yet,

I still hope

that one day

I will read this

and be grateful I’m still alive,

that I made it through hell

again

only time will tell