My daughter is a big fuckin idiot and I miss her so much

It’s been a week since I’ve spoken to or laid eyes on my daughter. Never in her entire 18+ years have we ever gone an entire week without speaking. This is very new and very scary for me. I cried a lot yesterday. I feel so helpless. I hate feeling helpless, especially when it comes to my children. Everyone knows I would do anything for them. This situation really has me feeling like there’s absolutely nothing I can do. What does she want me to do? I don’t know. She won’t talk to me, and even if she would, it’s not like there’s anything to negotiate. I want really straight-forward, non-negotiable things; (1)I want her to go to school. (2)I want her to be on time for school and all of her classes. (3)I want her to check her blood sugar throughout the day and medicate herself as necessary. (4) Her room doesn’t have to be spotless, but I want to be able to see the floor at least once a week, and I don’t want ANY FOOD, CANDY, JUICE, OR SODA anywhere outside of the kitchen and definitely not in her bed. (I grew up with roaches and have never had them as an adult and I never want them, it is a huge fear of mine) (5) She may not scream at me, no matter how upset she is.

Like, those five things are the foundation. If she could give me those five things until she goes off to college, we’d be alright. I would take her attitude and the fact that she’s a dark little storm cloud of negative energy in this house, the rest of us will survive her, we have each other.

There’s also the matter of my debit card though

On the last Friday we were together, before I dropped the kids off at their dad’s, we went to Costco. I gave Trin my Costco card and my debit card and talked her through how to pump gas, letting her do all the steps herself. We weren’t fighting at this point. We weren’t at odds. She had threatened to leave on Wednesday, and then Thursday and Friday we were fine. I was back to my regularly scheduled programming of trying to teach her life skills before she went off to college. When I dropped the kids off, I forgot to get my cards back from her, and really thought nothing of it, I would just get them on Sunday. I already had gas, I didn’t need them for anything. Then on that Sunday, she hit me with the insult that she would not be coming home, and I was so shocked I forgot those cards existed. After a couple hours of crying, I remembered my cards, and not knowing when I would see her again, I logged on to my bank account to order a new card. I scanned my recent transactions, and aside from the gas I had purchased on Friday, there was also an UberEats charge for $11.63.

I don’t even have an UberEats account. I have never ordered anything on UberEats. Trin does though. Trin is an ubereats-er. AND Trin had my card. The only logical deduction is that this child used my card without permission and essentially stole from me. That wounded me. All my kids know that stealing from me is just stealing from themselves (and each other) because anything they ask for, if I can give it to them, I will. There have times just in the last six months where Trin has texted me to ask if I can send her $20 for lunch because she doesn’t like the options, and I just do it. No questions asked. I want my kids to be happy. I want my kids to be comfortable. I want my kids to feel safe and taken care of. They KNOW this. And she chose to steal from me -maybe as a final “Fuck you” because she was planning on leaving, maybe just because she was mad and feeling spiteful, idk. Her father asked her about it and she denies it, but there’s no other explanation. She’s hardly my most honest or honorable child. I know my daughter, and she will lie about some shit as long as she thinks there’s a chance she can get away with it. She’s like her father in that way and it’s something about both of them that drives me absolutely nuts.

So on top of what she originally got in trouble for (being inconsiderate of the other people she lives with) that she then made so much worse by screaming at me when I told her she was being selfish (which prompted me to take her cell phone, laptop, and move her out of her own room and into a room with her younger sister) she also made the extremely poor choice of taking advantage of my trusting her with my bank card. Like, she has just completely wilded out. I cannot in good conscience say to her “All is forgiven if you just come home”. I can’t. I can’t listen to her complaints and say, “okay, these are valid, I will go easier on you, come home and let’s work this out” when she’s completely in the wrong. That’s sending entirely the wrong message. That feels like shitty parenting. That sounds like a shitty precedent to set for the younger three.

I had two alcoholics as parents, one of them a narcissist, one of them bipolar. I was abused in every way. I know how much more vicious words hurt when they are coming from your parents. I know what it’s like to desperately want the attention and approval of people that don’t give a fuck about you. I have tried so hard to give my children a different childhood…and this is what I get - pain and frustration and disrespect.

and yet, I still miss her everyday. I want my baby back. The one that was happy and positive and proactive. The one that thought I was the coolest and smartest mom ever. I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how she got here. I’d do anything to fix it, but to my dismay, I don’t think there’s anything I can do at this point. I’m just waiting. Waiting for her to realize that this is silly. Waiting for her to say she’s sorry. Waiting for her to come home.