You fight to remember, you fight to forget. You fight to move forward, you fight to stay where you are.

You fight.

So much.

There have been developments in the Trin situation that nobody will ever fully know about except her father and I. And even then…I’m not insensitive enough…not cruel enough to share the entire burden I know carry with him.

But what about everybody else? Let’s talk about somebody else for a minute.

Beau is doing fantastic. He struggled in 7th grade at Lane Tech Academic Center. He struggled, though less so, in 8th grade. Freshman year, he fought and fought and found his footing. This year, Sophomore year, he is hitting his strides. He’s not a straight-A student, but it’s one of his many goals. He was originally supposed to be a PE student but I intervened before he started 9th grade and put him in JROTC. He didn’t have strong feelings toward either and I felt that it was beneficial during my time at Lane. Plus, it’s a little bit of tradition at this point. My uncles attended Lane back when it was an all-boys school, and they were in JROTC, and then I went there and did it to follow in their footsteps. One of those uncles went on to retire from the army reserves as a colonel and the other was dishonorably discharged from the marines (I lol bc I hate that guy).

I had intentions of joining the armed services, but life went a different way for me. As a mother, I would hate for my son to serve this fuckhole of a nation and I’ve made him promise that he won’t actually enlist went he graduates but I know it’s ultimately going to be his choice and I have accepted that it’s his life and his choice.

He has joined the lacrosse team and the sweetie has bought most of his equipment himself since he knows I’ve been struggling with money since his father was hospitalized back in September, which caused him to miss 2 months of child support and alimony and basically reduced all of my savings to nothing. I can’t afford these kids on my own. I wish I could. Even if I worked full time, which I don’t, I don’t have time to work 40+ hours a week and take care of all of them all on my own, and hiring help would be absurd because nannies cost more than I can even make. I’ve considered being a nanny, but I would feel so guilty spending more time and energy on someone else’s kids while mine go without me that I just can’t do it.

Anywho-back to Bo. He’s been working on the weekends to buy all his gear and he hasn’t asked me for anything, but I promised to buy him cleats for his birthday since it’s coming up. He was planning on borrowing a pair from a friend that are one size too big since that was the best he could do. Ever since Trin left, he’s started coming to my room every night at bedtime and hugging me. He didn’t even used to say goodnight, he’d just turn his lights out and go to sleep. I think he knows his mom is hurting and he’s trying to be nice. Like I said, a sweetie.

He’s only missed one day of school this year and that was because I made him, I had to take him to his Dr appt. He was so disappointed because he wants a perfect attendance ribbon in JROTC. He wants ALL of the ribbons. Not for any specific reason. He’s not in competition with anyone but himself. He just feels like, this is something I can do and I’m going to do whatever I have to do it. He’s like me in that way, in a lot of ways, but particularly in that one. We both like doing things just to prove to ourselves we can. Not because anyone told us to. Not because it’s going to get us something. Just because, idk, something inside is like, hmm, that’s hard? I bet I could do it.

That’s one of the biggest reasons I do comedy. It’s hard. To me, I think it’s one of the hardest things anyone can do. To get up on stage and be on the spot and completely vulnerable and have to stay on your toes every single second and deal with anything that comes your way in front of a room full of strangers watching and judging your every move. And then to not only NOT fuck that up, but to win them over?? To get a huge laugh that nobody, not even you, saw coming? To make people feel something when all they do all day long is try not to feel anything? It sounds like maximum difficulty to me and it makes me feel AMAZING when I’m good at it.

He’s also doing archery which is objectively a cool this to do and something called JLAB which I don’t fully understand but he seems passionate about, lol.

My Bobi.

When he was like 5, Trin was upset about something, I don’t remember exactly what, maybe it was a show or something, but I remember EXACTLY what Beau said. He said, with COMPLETE confidence, “Don’t worry, Trin. Kids can’t die.” Nobody ever told him that, it just made sense to him. How could it be possible that kids, like him, could die? No way. That could not be something that happened in the world he lived in. It was absurd to him. And that’s so Beau. He’s a very logical, very hopeful, very confident young man. That’s who he was then and that’s who he is now and it’s so beautiful to me. He makes me so proud.

I don’t think it is my responsibility as a parent to overlook my children’s flaws and see only the good in them. I DO think it’s my responsibility to truly see them and recognize the beauty and good in them and celebrate it when I can.

Last week, I received Trin’s email during intermission for one of my shows. It was so difficult to go out there and smile and act and remember call-backs with her words swirling in my mind. I felt like a failure. I felt I had failed at my most important job. Being a mother. And I didn’t understand how I had failed her or why she was so hurt that she wanted to hurt me. I sobbed in my car for forty minutes after my show before I was calm enough to drive myself home. I wanted to die. I felt the urge to do harm to myself more strongly than I had felt it in years. I fought it and I survived. Sunday and Monday were exercises in survival. I fought through feeling like I should just leave these other three since I was probably failing them too, just like I failed Trin. I fought through the rejection, the feeling that raising these other three was pointless, pouring my heart and soul into them just for them to turn around and betray me when they came of age was stupid. It would be living just to hurt more and more, over and over, why bother? I fought it all, and now I’m here and I’m glad I did. These kids deserve me. I will never give up on them. Never.

I will always fight.

Quitting is too easy.