I Didn't Want TO Get Out Of Bed Today

I didn’t want to get out of bed today. It feels like such a ridiculous redundant statement - I never want to get out of bed. Maybe, not “never” precisely, but it’s very rare that I am excited about the start of any day. Every day is a battle. Sometimes I’m sure I’ll make it thru and sometimes less so. Getting through has gotten easier as I’ve learned not to beat myself up for the things I don’t do. Imagine feeling so shitty that you don’t feel like living and then mentally berating yourself for feeling like shit? As if that would somehow make you feel better? As if being mean to a person that is hurting and struggling is going to help them. I roll my eyes at myself for all the years I did this to myself but that’s as far as I let the judgement go. I was doing the best I could with what I had. I am gentle with myself now. I set teeny tiny goals for myself and when I accomplish them I allow myself to tell me “Good job. That was hard and you did it, you did a good job. I’m proud of you.” There is a part of me that still gets angry, a part that has high-expectations for me, a part that believes I’m capable of doing ten times more, ten times greater. That part is wrong. I have to remind myself, that part is wrong. The right thing is the gentle thing. The right thing is no expectations. Try my best and do what I can and expect nothing more.

I didn’t want to get out of bed today, but I did. I got up and made my coffee and took sips as I did the dishes. I started a load of laundry. I watered my wilted hanging plants. It’s harder to water them because I have to get a ladder and take them down and then put them back up after they’ve been watered. Most days that feels like SO MUCH to do. So much effort. So they wilt and yellow, my poor hanging plants. Today they got watered, though. I am proud of that. Then I transplanted some of my cuttings that have been propagating in water for probably way too long. Then it was time to put the wash in the dryer and start another load. Over the course of the day I was able to do five loads of laundry, so my kids have fresh clean clothes for their return to school. I picked a chicken carcass clean and put it in a pot with some water for broth. I ate the rest of the leftover chicken with other leftovers languishing in the fridge for lunch. I cleaned up the sala and set my robot vaccuums to work and decided I had done enough to have earned getting back into the bed I hadn’t wanted to leave in the first place. I napped. When I woke, I once again had to use all of the willpower I possess to leave my bed. I started another load of laundry and showered. After my shower I took the time to apply lotion to my body. It seems like such a chore, such an extra and unnecessary step, but it is not frivolity. Dry skin doesn’t feel good. It hurts, it itches, it injures more easily. My skin is not less deserving of care simply because it’s mine. I dressed and went to CVS. Leaving the house takes more energy and willpower than leaving my bed, but I did it. I’m proud of that. I bought a new toothbrush with a coupon and when I left I logged onto Uber Eats and delivered two orders before returning home. I made $7.32. It’s not much, but I’m proud that I did it. I’m proud of all the simple little shit I did because ((truly)) I didn’t want to get out of bed today.